Tuesday, April 18, 2017

doubts

Don't doubt in the dark what you know to be true in the light.

The Shield of Faith

After we got back from Colorado, I really started wondering what life would be like with more children. I questioned my motives (maybe I'm just sad I don't have a girl) and I really thought about it and pondered this desire for a long time even before I brought it up to Joe. To be honest, it had crossed my mind numerous times right after I had John. I thought for sure I was pregnant that following May. And my heart sank when it was negative but I brushed off that feeling as just being hormonal and a woman. But in the beginning of 2016, I really thought about it. I asked a couple of mothers I knew what it was like to be "done". I didn't have that same sense they talked about. I even called up my sister in law Valerie (out of the blue) and asked about having only boys and how she felt about it. Her reaction surprised me. She told me that if I ever questioned having more kids that God only gives babies as blessings, and I could regret not adding to my family. That whatever God brought me to, He would bring me through. Even then, I only told Joe that story in passing and never really shared my true feelings. I prayed about it all the time and it weighed on me, all the time. I secretly wished we would just wind up in a 'Suprise, I'm pregnant' moment. 

In April, at a Rend Collective concert, these lyrics spoke to me about my concerns and hesitations: 
In my wrestling and in my doubts
In my failures You won't walk out
Your great love will lead me through...
In the silence, You won't let go
In the questions, Your truth will hold
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
My biggest fear was my parenting failures. Why should I even think about adding more kids to my family when I am failing the ones in front of me. 
So after even more praying and searching, I broached the topic with Joe. We joked about it at first but the more I pestered him and brought it up, the more it shut me down. In the fall, I told him I was serious; I wanted him to pray about it and discuss it for real. And boy did it not go well. I thought that if I laid this situation in front of him, he could be the decider. He is the husband and the head of this family. I thought if he said he wasn't feeling it, that I could be okay with and submit to that answer. I told him I'd need help getting over it, but eventually, with strength from God, I would be content, and not bitter or angry. He unfortunately, didn't see it that way. He saw a decision with no 'right' answer. We fought. A lot. Bigger and deeper than ever before in our 12 year relationship. I didn't like his reasoning ("I just don't!), and he felt like I was manipulating him.
Pretty much every, single insecurity ever, was brought up. My faith was shattered. Why would I have these feelings and desires for so long even after praying and praying over them? Why would God give this to me only to have it shot down so fiercely? Why couldn't my husband see my point of view and see my heart? God, is this how you are telling me No?! I don't understand! My intuitive nature and 'gut feelings' are what my husband praises me for. Being able to make a split second decision and to be decisive and intuitive are things he admires and trusts me in, but not THIS? What planet am I living in, Lord? How could I be so wrong? How could we be so far apart?
Priscilla Shirer talks about standing behind the shield of faith and the enemy shooting fiery darts that are meant to distract and detract you. We become too busy putting out fires, that we can't advance in the work God has given us. In Luke 5, the calling of the disciples, she points out that the calling of the Lord will often make you go. "WHAT?!" On the road to Emmaus, in Luke 24, the friends of Jesus said their hearts burned when He was near them even though they didn't recognize Him! I thought my heart burned for this calling because Jesus was near. This calling that made me go WHAT?! I thought Joe and I had agreed on 2 kids because it was logical, and practical, and do-able. And now...I've changed my mind. And the enemy sent darts at me: that I'm not a good enough mom as it is, I'm not patient enough, I'm too tired; how much I like my sleep, I could be done changing diapers and getting up in the middle of the night, I could start getting rid of baby stuff that clutters my closet, my health could be compromised, my thyroid could flare, I could get HEG again and be useless for the first 4 months of my pregnancy.
In March 2017, a little over a year since this whole story started, Joe and I came to an agreement. We would try for another child for a period of time and then reassess after that. I feel like this was a complete God thing and I had even mentioned this idea a long time ago. The timing was perfect. I feel like my faith took me to this spot, to rely on God. I cannot say that we are going to have another baby, but I feel like it is in God's will for us to be trying to expand our family somehow. Of course, I want and dream of another child; to become a family of 5 (or maybe 6...), but I'm not sure that is part of our story or not. I want to believe that it is and that is why we went through this. I want to be able to say, "For this child, I have PRAYED", I want to be able to tell this story of faith and say, "Here is the proof! In this big, round belly!" I'm so scared though. What if that isn't how this is supposed to play out? I thought my faith would prove me righteous, but what if this isn't that time? I don't want to put this pressure on God but I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I have a peace that I can't understand but I'm still so nervous to be let down. 

Monday, March 27, 2017

4.5 years

35lbs, size 4 or xxs clothes, and size 11 shoes.
Love sleeping in your new bunk bed and moving into John's room.
Refuse to sleep on the top bunk though!
Master two wheeled bike rider.
Moved up to the 16in bike but had to trim the seat post down a bit.
Every night you ask me "What's in the morning, mama?" because you love having stuff to do and places to be and people to see.
All your teachers at church say you're a joy.
Thoughtful and considerate. When you're brother doesn't earn a snack, you often share with him anyways.
Eating habits have dramatically broadened and that's so encouraging!
When you get mad or frustrated is when you often get out of control and have trouble expressing yourself.
This was not the winter to try skiing. You get the concept but are almost not heavy enough to make the skis do what you want.
Gymnastics has been a blast and your super balance and coordination skills make you an easy show off.


Monday, March 20, 2017

30 Months - 2.5 years

28ish lbs - you're getting to big to carry anymore!
3t pants and 2t shirts, size 7 shoe
It still throws me to see you wearing joeys old clothes and shoes. It makes me do a double take. Sometimes I look at you guys playing and I'm not sure who is who!
Just like everything else I've ever worried about...giving up the paco was the best decision ever and no big deal.
Have absolutely no inhibitions.
Love to jump and climb and never second guess yourself.
Professional whiner and are often spoiled because of it.
Such a picky eater.
Could sustain life off French fries, noodles,  cashews, and water. Not a big milk drinker.
Still love goop, so that makes me think we can round out those odd eating habits.
Have become a master balance bike rider and of course, you ride like a madman.
Don't like being alone and you're lost when your brother isn't around.
Joey taught you how to climb out of your crib. So that's fun.
Too bad you're not ready for a big bed yet.
You love to sing twinkle, Jesus loves me, and happy birthday.
Ironically, at church, your teachers tell me you're quiet and reserved! So not like at home!
It's scary how much you repeat and mimic Joey!!!!
Gymnastics has been a blast and pay attention and follow directions better than I thought.
You're a little bit bigger than Joey at this age and people often ask if you guys are twins! Yikes!



Saturday, January 21, 2017

Joey quote

"Mom, I love you 5. And I love dada...5. But I love John 60! He's my best brother and makes me laugh with his duppie!"

Saturday, January 7, 2017

John quote

1/7/17

Me: John you look good! You feel better buddy? 
John: yeah. 
Me: what should we do today? You up for an adventure? 
John: yeah. GRANDMAS HOUSE!
Me: I don't think grandmas ready for us. 
John: YAYAS HOUSE!

I think he's ready to be anywhere but here. 

Monday, January 2, 2017

To Compare

I'm so bad at this kind of stuff.


Joey is sensitive and logical. He thinks about other people and is extroverted in the sense he likes to be around people. He likes to be close and touching. Putting him in timeout is the worst punishment because it separates him. He is caring and curious about asking how your day went. He all the sudden starting carrying around a stuffed dinosaur and pretends it's his baby. He's been consistent about taking it everywhere and even putting it to bed at certain times.
He has a great memory and can remember a phrase that a salesman used and then bring it up in conversation 2 weeks later. He tends to let John push him around and often won't fight back. He's content to play by himself and loves anything with wheels. His ability for sound effect rivals his dad's and he has an excellent sense of direction and always seems to know where we're going or how to get there.


John is all heart. He has no fear and wants only to keep up with his brother no matter what ladder, height, or jump is in the way. He loves to throw and could play catch all day. He likes to be entertained and is more of a troublemaker. He will climb the furniture and unravel a giant roll of paper towels and dig through the silverware drawer and pull out a knife. He's a klutz and sets his eyes on something and will trip or run into a wall trying to get there.
John seems to need time away to recharge, where a little time in his crib can calm him down and often tells us when he is tired and ready to go to bed. He scares easily and even our own dog barking will cause him to cry, which is funny because he has loud, shrill scream of his own. His communication skills are lacking so he resorts to hitting and pinching in order to get attention. He does not ever sit still and isn't interested in snuggling or watching TV or playing with toys that don't have him moving and jumping around.