Tuesday, April 18, 2017

doubts

Don't doubt in the dark what you know to be true in the light.

The Shield of Faith

After we got back from Colorado, I really started wondering what life would be like with more children. I questioned my motives (maybe I'm just sad I don't have a girl) and I really thought about it and pondered this desire for a long time even before I brought it up to Joe. To be honest, it had crossed my mind numerous times right after I had John. I thought for sure I was pregnant that following May. And my heart sank when it was negative but I brushed off that feeling as just being hormonal and a woman. But in the beginning of 2016, I really thought about it. I asked a couple of mothers I knew what it was like to be "done". I didn't have that same sense they talked about. I even called up my sister in law Valerie (out of the blue) and asked about having only boys and how she felt about it. Her reaction surprised me. She told me that if I ever questioned having more kids that God only gives babies as blessings, and I could regret not adding to my family. That whatever God brought me to, He would bring me through. Even then, I only told Joe that story in passing and never really shared my true feelings. I prayed about it all the time and it weighed on me, all the time. I secretly wished we would just wind up in a 'Suprise, I'm pregnant' moment. 

In April, at a Rend Collective concert, these lyrics spoke to me about my concerns and hesitations: 
In my wrestling and in my doubts
In my failures You won't walk out
Your great love will lead me through...
In the silence, You won't let go
In the questions, Your truth will hold
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
My biggest fear was my parenting failures. Why should I even think about adding more kids to my family when I am failing the ones in front of me. 
So after even more praying and searching, I broached the topic with Joe. We joked about it at first but the more I pestered him and brought it up, the more it shut me down. In the fall, I told him I was serious; I wanted him to pray about it and discuss it for real. And boy did it not go well. I thought that if I laid this situation in front of him, he could be the decider. He is the husband and the head of this family. I thought if he said he wasn't feeling it, that I could be okay with and submit to that answer. I told him I'd need help getting over it, but eventually, with strength from God, I would be content, and not bitter or angry. He unfortunately, didn't see it that way. He saw a decision with no 'right' answer. We fought. A lot. Bigger and deeper than ever before in our 12 year relationship. I didn't like his reasoning ("I just don't!), and he felt like I was manipulating him.
Pretty much every, single insecurity ever, was brought up. My faith was shattered. Why would I have these feelings and desires for so long even after praying and praying over them? Why would God give this to me only to have it shot down so fiercely? Why couldn't my husband see my point of view and see my heart? God, is this how you are telling me No?! I don't understand! My intuitive nature and 'gut feelings' are what my husband praises me for. Being able to make a split second decision and to be decisive and intuitive are things he admires and trusts me in, but not THIS? What planet am I living in, Lord? How could I be so wrong? How could we be so far apart?
Priscilla Shirer talks about standing behind the shield of faith and the enemy shooting fiery darts that are meant to distract and detract you. We become too busy putting out fires, that we can't advance in the work God has given us. In Luke 5, the calling of the disciples, she points out that the calling of the Lord will often make you go. "WHAT?!" On the road to Emmaus, in Luke 24, the friends of Jesus said their hearts burned when He was near them even though they didn't recognize Him! I thought my heart burned for this calling because Jesus was near. This calling that made me go WHAT?! I thought Joe and I had agreed on 2 kids because it was logical, and practical, and do-able. And now...I've changed my mind. And the enemy sent darts at me: that I'm not a good enough mom as it is, I'm not patient enough, I'm too tired; how much I like my sleep, I could be done changing diapers and getting up in the middle of the night, I could start getting rid of baby stuff that clutters my closet, my health could be compromised, my thyroid could flare, I could get HEG again and be useless for the first 4 months of my pregnancy.
In March 2017, a little over a year since this whole story started, Joe and I came to an agreement. We would try for another child for a period of time and then reassess after that. I feel like this was a complete God thing and I had even mentioned this idea a long time ago. The timing was perfect. I feel like my faith took me to this spot, to rely on God. I cannot say that we are going to have another baby, but I feel like it is in God's will for us to be trying to expand our family somehow. Of course, I want and dream of another child; to become a family of 5 (or maybe 6...), but I'm not sure that is part of our story or not. I want to believe that it is and that is why we went through this. I want to be able to say, "For this child, I have PRAYED", I want to be able to tell this story of faith and say, "Here is the proof! In this big, round belly!" I'm so scared though. What if that isn't how this is supposed to play out? I thought my faith would prove me righteous, but what if this isn't that time? I don't want to put this pressure on God but I feel like I'm doing the right thing. I have a peace that I can't understand but I'm still so nervous to be let down.